A 2am Update

Hello there.

It’s been three years since I’ve posted my last blog. For that I am sorry. I wish I could say it was because I got married and had kids and now I live my life happily ever-after, but the reality of it is that I just got extremely lazy and my life continues to be somewhat uneventful as it was since my last post, ha ha!

So an update is long overdue.

What’s new? I lost my best friend. Moved twice and then one more time, but now living with a roommate. Found a new church. Received a promotion. Bought a new four-legged animal. Purchased a new car. Got into a car accident a month later. Made the genius decision to smoke cigarettes and marijuana again. Family loss. Sister moved out of the country. Ran three 5Ks. Started hiking more often.

What’s the same? Still anti-social, single, dating, at the same job now for four years. Discovering that I have commitment issues and maybe a slight desire for alcoholic beverages on a regular basis. And, well, that I am still lazy as ever.

“What’s new” outweighs and is more positive than “what’s the same,” so we’re just gonna go with that and say life isn’t too bad at the moment. Hopefully, I will get to blog more often and explain myself a bit more as to why I fell of the face of the inter-web, Ha!

Listening to: Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

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It’s Been A While.

Sooooo…..how’s it going?!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I have some explaining to do, I know.
Let’s begin with the Online Dating experience. My subscription is up and I’m not about to pay another $30 for it. Overall, it was a good experience. I made some friends, also been on awkward dates, but I did possibly make a new love interest. We’ll see how the next couple of weeks pan out. The only thing that frustrates me is that I’m going to need a lot of patience with this dude. Blahhh!

Moving on, my dog freaking ruptured his anal gland. Most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed. Puss and blood was coming out everywhere. Best part was the bill. I had just gotten paid that Friday and he pretty much took a good chunk. It was a bittersweet moment, haha. But now my little old man is doing just fine.

That following week, which was last Monday. I injured my back which led me to go to the emergency room. Not a fun time at all. I’m currently on bed rest with a shit load of meds. If you’re working out and you want to try a different machine that involves weights, please watch a youtube video or ask someone that can assist you. I felt like a dumbass explaining to the doctor what happened. It seemed like a joke, but I was in no way shape or form laughing. So there goes another chunk of my money.

So here I am in bed, listening to some weird band called Ballyhoo, typing up a summary of the past couple of weeks and nothing has changed. Still single, still bored with life and the days just keep moving along with no care in the world.

Let’s Ketchup.

Hi everyone!
So since my last post some things have happened. First in foremost, I got sick. I developed a habit of smoking, but then I quit about a month ago and I believe all of that finally caught up to me. I was doing perfectly fine without having the urge to smoke. The only thing was that I was eating a lot more. No bueno. And if you know me personally, I am one lazy cunt. With that being said I started coughing here and there for a couple of days and then the cough just got worse by the minute. My nights consisted of me kneeled down on the floor of my restroom with my head over the toilet. The coughing would be so bad I would vomit. It was difficult to even take a breath of air. One night I’m in bed asleep and my coughing begins. I just couldn’t get a gasp of air at all. Now I had asthma as a child, but I grew out of it with sports and such. So I have an inhaler for emergencies and this was one of them. Luckily my brother was in the other room and rushed to help me. He said when he first looked at my face it was so blue he was scared. I wasn’t scared of anything happening to me, surprisingly. I was just so frustrated that I placed my damn inhaler so far from my bed. Hahaha. Now I’ve learned my lesson. I went to the doctor and everything seemed to be fine and he prescribed some medications and a lot of rest. I’m finally getting better and my cough isn’t even half as bad as it was.

Now this was a couple of days before my deathly cough attack. I went on my first online-blind-date-that-wasn’t-so-blind-because-I-saw-what-he-looked-like-from-his-profile picture date. And let me tell you! That was probably the most awkwardest date I have ever been on EVER. It didn’t really help that he only had two photos that weren’t the best by the way. So we had decided we were going to this place called Main Event. Main Event is a place where there’s having bowling, laser tag, pool tables, arcade games, food and a bar for adults. So we drive there separately and we finally meet each other and yeeeeaaaahhhh. I already knew it wasn’t going to work out. Yes, I know attraction isn’t everything, but there’s gotta be some kind of attraction and between me and you there was none. So whatever we ate, bowled I kicked his ass and we talked and got to know one another. The only thing that rubbed me off and not in a good way was that he had this look in his eyes that just screamed “I’m going to murder you.” I didn’t like to one bit. Our night was coming to an end and he walked me to my car like a true gentlemen and he really was the whole night. I know there’s a rule somewhere in the dating book where it says, you shouldn’t discuss the first date face to face right AFTER the date. Give it a couple of business days. So he asked me how the date went and I answered honestly, but I kind of tiptoed around it as well. I told him, “I had a great time and you were such a gentleman and your personality was great. You sure know what you want and have a great mind set.” That’s it. Was it that bad? Now that I’m reading it; it was pretty bad what I said, but I was honest and I didn’t want to lead anything on. It’s been about a week and we haven’t said a word to each other. Haha, whatever I move on pretty quickly. Now I’m still on this dating site because I paid for a month so I plan to use it until the last minute. We’ll see what other weirdos I come across to this week. Have any suggestions where I could meet singles? No bars or clubs please! 😀 oh & yes, I do know how to spell catch up.

Online Dating.

I told myself several times that I wouldn’t pay for a dating site ever due to my past experience. But like most women do when they’re vulnerable is give in and I’m one of them.

My first experience with online dating, now I’m going to be honest here, was through video games. Yup! I was eight-teen years old and I would play online video games. Met a couple of people, made friends and there was one individual that just stood out from the rest. Funny thing was that this guy knew one of my brothers. Now, this was back when MySpace was “poppin!” So we exchanged contact information and added each other on MySpace. Eventually things got a bit serious and we both wanted the same thing; a relationship. So he lived in New Jersey and I had just moved from New Jersey to Texas. Luckily his brother worked for an airline company so going to see each other wasn’t as hard as we thought it would be. We would at least visit each other twice a month for about three days. I met his family and he met mine. Things were working out pretty well until one day he decided to tell me those three little words, “I love you.” I looked at him and I said, “haha! Shut up!” And I slapped him across his face. I will never forget that day because he started to cry. He got so emotional and I believe at that point he knew I didn’t feel the same way. I mean I know there’s people that get married younger than eight-teen, but I was in no shape or form to be that serious a long distant relationship. Of course he suggested moving to Texas or me moving up there, but I just didn’t want to. So we ended things after being together for about eight months. Till this day we’re still really good friends and still play online together. After that I said “I will never ever do that again!” Well that was a lie.

I ended up meeting someone online again about a year later and this time he lived about an hour away from me. We took things really slow and dated a while before becoming anything serious. We eventually fell in love and everything was magical and all Disney and shit until I realized after a year and a half of being with him that I’ve been dating a lyin-cheating son of a bitch. During our relationship I became a Christian and I was really into my church and building a relationship with Christ, but he thought it was all a joke. He would bring me down with his negativity and mock my friends and I. After a while he noticed how much it would hurt so he “tried” to make an effort and go to my church. He started going regularly, but he was one of those that would say one thing and do another. Thursday through Saturday would be nothing but parties and getting drunk. Sunday would come around and he would be the first one with his hand held up high in worship. I was disappointed, discouraged and embarrassed. As many times as I tried to tell him to stop he wouldn’t listen. So he found someone else that would show him the ultimate path of destruction with the help of her vagina. I found out through Facebook under tagged photos. And that was the end of him……yes, I didn’t murder him.

So I did my “thing” for a while and went out with my single girl friends and traveled and had flings here and there, but I was always unhappy. I wasn’t fulfilling anything. So then I just focused on myself, my faith, my family, friends and getting my act together. Still I missed having a companion by my side. Someone to text me good morning and goodnight. I realized that I am not getting any younger and it’s time to start settling down. So I did what I thought was right. I signed up for an online dating site! The process was dreadful. It felt like I was applying for a secret service position. So many personal questions, but I guess the more personal the more accurate my matches would be. So I’ve been on there for about a week now and it’s pretty hectic. I’ve met two really nice young men and so far it’s been good. Too early to tell anything as well, but it’s not as scary as I thought it would be. Next post I’ll be engaged guys. Hahaha! Just kidding. I’ll give it two weeks. Haha, no! But I’ll keep you posted!

Don’t Die Alone.

There’s over 50 million single people in the U.S. About 40 million people have tried online dating and there’s more men on the dating sites than women. Which is shocking to me because I thought it would be the other way around. Most men lie about age, height and income while women lie about age, weight and physical build.

There’s a whole page about the statistics of people dating online. Most of it I would say it’s pretty accurate. I’ve tried these random applications that lets you meet singles in your area with the help of your location. It’s a little creepy and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I would see someone I knew on there. But I have to admit, it was a good laugh to know I’m not the only loner out there. It was always a fear of mine that I would be somewhere with my family or friends and someone would recognize me. I would just deny, deny, DENY! I can’t believe how desperate some men and women get (including myself) just to be in a relationship. I like how men always claim that chivalry isn’t dead, but I call total bullshit on that. The only time I will see a man become a total gentlemen would either be on the first date, their “honeymoon” stage in a new relationship/marriage or they’re with their mothers. After about three months they throw that out the window. Then comes the fights, the name calling and even the cheating. I’m not saying this is with every relationship, but it’s what I’ve seen and experienced. Some men are like women where they complain about not having someone to talk or not being in a relationship. Why? Because you men have vaginas! Countless of times you will hear women complain about men not going up to them at bars, clubs or any public place where they’re alone or even with their girlfriends. I don’t know if we have draw it out, spell it out, or try to pass it as a state law, but holy shit! This will never get old! Yes, men I do understand that sometimes it’s intriguing that women may go up to you and take control, but ultimately you’re a man, you have balls, and you wear the pants so I don’t know why it’s so hard to go up to someone and just say the dumbest compliment on earth. You can even lie about if you want. If you just want a one night stand or a long lasting relationship and you’ve been eyeing this chick for a while; all you have to do is take a couple of steps and say, “hey, I couldn’t help but notice you and I just wanted to see if you we could get to know each other.” Introduce yourself and see how things goes. If it doesn’t work then that just simply means she’s not feeling you, you’re butt ugly or drunk. My point is, they want you to come up to them!

Same thing goes for the men online. You will just simply say “pass” on the girl you think is out of your league. Okay, I get it. We’re a little afraid of rejection. But guess what? We will all be rejected by something or someone in our lifetime more than once. Whether it’s a job, your parents, friends, your children, or a person you wish you could date. We all have to be big boys and girls about it and get over it. Yes, it might sting for a bit, but life goes on and people move on. All I’m saying is don’t let this split decision ruin what could be a life changing experience. Now, I’m not saying to go home with a random stranger or build a relationship with someone you think could possibly turn out to be a serial killer. What I’m saying is make a rational decision if you’re in the dating scene. If you’re unsure for whatever reason then say no. It’s that easy! If you’re nervous, scared and have no idea what to do, then guess what! You’re going to be single probably for the rest of your life and die alone and no one will give a flying shit.

“Can I Call?”

For the past two days I’ve been thinking of what to write and then I received a text message.

About a year ago I met this guy named Alex. He was charming, very intelligent, hilarious and his sarcasm was through the roof. Our personalities clicked instantly. So of course like most new people we meet, we are constantly talking every second of the day and stay on the phone for hours eventually falling asleep on one another. We never got bored of talking. We pretty much talked just about everything. From our personal life to talking about aliens. It was like being best friends with yourself, but the opposite gender. So like any blossoming relationship you naturally start to develop feelings; really strong and feelings in my case. I would just get so excited from reading one of his random text messages or his hilarious GIFs he would find online.

Sometimes Alex would ask me, “What do you think about me?” So I answered it honestly. I would tell him, “I think you’re funny, humble, smart and overall just a great guy. Pause; this is where I made my mistake. “Plus you can’t really ask me since I’ve developed somewhat of a crush. *stupid girly laugh insert here*” I wanted to magically press ctrl, alt, delete on the last five minutes of the conversation, but it was way too damn late. His response, “oh. Ha…thanks!” So I quickly transitioned on to another subject. Obviously, things got weird and our friendship slowly began to drift apart. He eventually told me he didn’t feel the same way. I had to move back in with my mother in a different state which was 1,200 miles away. Our hiccup in our friendship lasted for a while longer and I would text, but I would get the cold shoulder. But when Alex would text or call and there I would be with open arms. So then I felt like I was being used, ignored and ultimately not important anymore.

I went on vacation for about two months and left everything behind. Social media, friends and my cell phone. I wanted to clear my head as much as I possibly could and through that phase I got over my feelings for him. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep because I’ve never met someone who understood me and accepted my every fault. Yes, we have our same sex best friend, but when you met that person that just completes you in every aspect of your life and is the opposite or in other cases the same sex gender then you can’t help, but to fall madly in love. Finally all the hurt and the feelings were poured out and gone, but I knew I would be okay. I came back home with a positive attitude to get back into my old groove of being happy for myself. Then one day a simple text message was received. “Are you awake?” Then proceed with a phone call. We take for about twenty minutes before I realized that I didn’t miss him at all. We talked and talked and I felt nothing. So was this love at all? Or was this just a simple crush developed into an obsession? I couldn’t answer it, but I knew that whatever feelings I had before were definitely not there anymore. The next day he called me and out of nowhere he apologized. He told me that the many times he didn’t answer my calls or texts was because he was ignoring me. He told me that he’s had feelings towards me the first day he met me. I was mind blown and pissed off at the same time. All these questions came rushing to my head. “Why did you decide to tell me now? Why did you not say anything before? Why after all this time you decide to tell me now?” Alex: “Because you deserve someone who will respect you, be honest to you, and especially show the love you’ve showed me x’s infinity.” All of that went through one ear and out the other. My anger just took over every thought in my head. As I kept saying all this stuff towards him, he just said, “I deserve that.” I hung up because I just didn’t want to hear anymore. After all that shit I went through to get over him and he says he’s liked me since day one? I was furious. So I didn’t text or call or answer any of his. He finally stopped after a couple of tries and everyone moved on with their lives. I finally faced my anger and realized what was the point of being angry? I know I have something way better out there for me, but I must be patient. I fucking hate being patient! But here I am. It’s 4am and I receive a text message saying “Can I call?” Should I answer it or ignore it? I freaking hate this dude, but I do miss him.

I Quit.

I’ve said “I Quit” to multiple things, but this time it’s different. I’ve grown up with drugs and alcohol surrounding my everyday life and at age fourteen I was handed my first blunt. It was quite an experience I must say. The memory is still so vivid to me that I can specifically tell you the location, time of the day, the taste, what I was wearing, the weather outside and how I reacted after my first intake. Ha! I’m explaining this like if I was in a court room. Anyway, I can’t really explain how I felt or what I was feeling during my high, but I knew it was something very out of the ordinary. Since at that age I was going through some personal problems at home and with my parents; I felt like my so called “friends” were my family and escape from reality. So like any other teenager going through a difficult time I continued to do it. The more I hung around my “friends” the more I would smoke. Of course they were drinking as well, but at that time I grew up with alcoholics and saw the way they reacted and it just wasn’t for me. Shockingly, I said no to that. I guess I wasn’t that hardcore. So the urge to smoke marijuana only gained by the day.

At age sixteen I was sexually abused by a family member. This lasted for about a two months and till this day I haven’t said a word to anyone. Why? As much as I never liked that specific person, I know his punishment will not be dealt with here on earth. I leave it all to God. I’m not worried about it anymore and whatever happened, happened. When I came back from vacation I was like a piece of bread wanting to be a toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwich! I couldn’t spend another second without my “bubblegum train wreck.” (A name given to a type of marijuana.)
So on top of what I was already going through, this only made my craving stronger. Now there wasn’t a day I didn’t get high. I just couldn’t live without it. Some people can’t live without exercising, social media, music or even sex. Well my addiction was marijuana.

Some people may argue that you can’t be addicted to marijuana, but I however was. I would wake up and the first thing I would get ready is to smoke. On my way to school I would meet up with my “friends” and get high before class started. Instead of eating lunch, my “friends” and I would sneak out of the cafeteria, go across the street and smoke in someone’s random front yard. I even helped distribute some throughout my school. I would also lie to my mom and say that I was in tutoring after school and had a ride home when in reality I was about two blocks away smoking at a “friends” house. The lies, the bad attitude, the choice of words I would use against my family only grew. The walls of hating everything started to grow around me as well. I let no one into my reality. It was dark, dangerous and suicidal.

Throughout the rest of my high school years I met some pretty cool people and tried making the best out of my junior and senior year, which I believe accomplished! During my senior year, I managed to get my first job! But before any job you working at there’s a lovely test we all must pass. Well I smoked the day of my exam and I was having the panic attack of my life. I went in for my test and the manager that was hiring asked me if I had ever done any drug. I quickly said “No! I’ve never even been offered.” So she shrugged her shoulders and skipped the drug test. She was in such hurry to hire someone that she simply didn’t have time for the “bullshit.” Since there would be random drug test given out I decided to stop. This is where I came face to face with the saying, “better said than done.” After struggling to stop there was only one thing I needed to do and that was to cut out all of my toxic “friends.” I told most of them that I had to really focus on school or that I was moving soon so I needed to cut all relationships with people because I would never see them again. Luckily, it worked. But I have never craved something so bad in my life. So I turned to cigarettes. Since the stress of school, after school activities, and work consumed most of my life, I slowly lost the desire of “Mary, Juan and Ana,” but I instead replaced the craving with cigarettes.

Graduation came and left and then I proceeded with college. I met my now new best friend and when she saw me smoke for the first time she was disgusted. She would tell me that it was gross, guys don’t find it attractive and it can cause all these health problems; like if I didn’t know that already. But because we were so alike, got along so perfectly with one another that there was a light that I saw in her that I didn’t see in anyone else. So I wanted to be her friend more than anything! So I did “her” the favor and quit smoking. I then went through multiple jobs and during breaks most of my coworkers would go outside and smoke and because I didn’t want to be an outsider or wanted to get to know my coworkers more, I caved in. So the craving came back; the cigarette one. I would go through one pack of cigarettes like a hoe would go through a pack of condoms. After finishing a pack I would always say, “okay, this is my last one.” Unfortunately, it didn’t go as planned.

So here I am at age twenty-three smoking my last cigarette. What changed my mind this time? The stupid romantic chick flick called The Fault In Our Stars. There’s a scene when the young man pulls out a cigarette from his pocket and puts it in between his lips as if he’s about to smoke it. The young girl then starts arguing about how gross and harmful it is to not only the person smoking it, but to those who are surrounded by him. As they are many people diagnosed with cancer who don’t deserve it why should we let something so small give it the power to kill us. The young man then proceed with saying “I never lit the cigarette. If I didn’t light the cigarette then I’m not giving it the will power to kill me.” The fact that I am now realizing that I can prevent something so harmful from happening to my body makes me want to get on my knees and just thank God for opening my eyes in a different perspective. I’ve said this countless of times, but to really know how blessed I am with how healthy I’ve lived; there’s no reason I should give it the “will power to kill me.” So I’m saying it now, loud and proud; “I QUIT!” If you’ve reached this far into my ramblings, I applaud you. Now, time for me to pass out.